Book Blog: Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen

Ever dream of running off and joining the circus? Well, that's not exactly what happened for the main character of this book, but that's where Jacob found himself. I got this book for free from Military One Source (check out the free books they have for military families in the library section) because I had heard the name several times, but never really knew what it was about. Then I found out that they're making a movie of it, as they have done with  many of the books I have read lately, so naturally I need to read the book before it comes out. I love that Reese Witherspoon is going to play Marlena, but not so happy that Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame is playing Jacob. I'm not a fan of Twilight and don't really see the appeal of this Pattinson guy, especially as a creepy, pale, obsessive vampire. Maybe he will be more attractive in this role...

It's too bad I read this book over about a month and a half span of time (husband was home so I didn't read much). I would not have had such a wonderful distraction I would have burned through this book much faster. It was a love story full of betrayal and violence, and an interesting look into the train traveling circus' of back in the day. I'm not really sure what else to say about it because it's kind of just a crazy intense string of events, but you should check out the book or the movie when it comes out. I'm curious to see if they leave things out in the movie.

Emotions

I'm stuck in that awful unbalanced emotional state where I change from minute to minute. I'm doing ok, it's not much longer and I can do this... This sucks, I hate my life right now... I need to be with people I love because they make me feel better... I want to be alone because I feel depressed... I'm excited about [insert upcoming event here] and that will make this half easier... I don't care about anything and just want it to be August...

Sure, I haven't been breaking down in tears as much as when he left the first time, but I feel a whole lot of emotions each day that I can't seem to control. I think this happened before too though, I remember having a week-full of rage, thankfully it hasn't gotten to that point yet, it's more a numb/apathetic feeling lately. I've been very unmotivated and kind of depressed. It's easy to put on a happy face for little bits of time, but even if I am in a good mood, there are still layers of hurt underneath. There's really no way of knowing how you will react emotionally to being separated during a deployment. I don't want to feel this way or seem so hopeless. You can try to prepare yourself, try to keep busy, etc. but there's really no telling how you will feel day to day or minute to minute. Deployments + female hormones = volatile conditions.

I don't need advice or suggestions on how to feel better. I just simply need prayer and encouragement. So I'm listening to some Hillsong in hopes of encouraging my soul, it helps a little. I love this song, thought I would share.

I confess my hope

In the light of Your salvation

Where I lose myself

I will find You're all I need

Sing my soul

Of the Saviour's love

Sing my soul

Unto God alone

I will meet You here

In the life we call surrender

Let the world I know

Be the glory of Your grace

You alone are God

You alone are God

We declare the glory of Your name

Reign in all the earth

Reign in all the earth Jesus

Hopefully as time passes it will get easier as it did the first half. Each day that passes is one day closer to us being together and one less day of being apart. If I keep telling my brain to be positive, maybe it will be. I have been having a hard time going to sleep at night though, and I didn't hear from my Valentine yesterday :(

Back to Reality

My hubby was home for his mid-tour leave in January and it was so wonderful to spend time with him. I'm thankful that we're able to happily maintain our relationship despite the distance and circumstances, but it is a million times better to physically be in the same place. I took off of work while he was home so that we could spend every second together. We did a lot with family, celebrated his birthday, went to a spa and had a night downtown in a nice hotel, but mostly we just spent time at home relaxing. It was nice to just do normal/boring things like watch tv and do dishes together. Things we don't typically get to do together that I'm sure many couples take for granted. I love that we can appreciate the little things.

Sending him off at the airport was the dreaded moment, and I cried a lot. A nice man offered him to trade seats for first class which was really nice, but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier. I cried on my way home and climbed into bed and watched 4 hours of the Bachelor that I missed to distract me from being sad. With the exception of my mopiness that day, I think I've handled him leaving again better than I thought I would. Partly because I felt like the 15 days didn't go as fast as I thought they would, it seemed like a good amount of time together. It was also easier saying goodbye at the airport where his mom and I were the only people crying and I was not surrounded by other wives and children crying out for their daddies (talk about heart breaking).

So I'm back to being lonely, and oh man was it hard to go back to work after 3 weeks off. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things and find motivation to get things done. I need to push through and try to focus on exciting things coming up that I can look forward to. My best friend's baby will be here in a few weeks, she is 33 weeks today. I just booked a cruise with my brother for April. And then before I know it it will be the summer and I'll be moving to Texas!

I'm sure there will still be lots of ups and downs for me emotionally these last 6 months of the deployment, but I feel like this half will be easier. With that being said, I still need lots of prayer for patience and strength, and for my husband's safety. I appreciate all the love and support people have been giving me and I will do my best to focus on the here and now and make the best of the time I have in MN with my family and friends.