Book Blog: Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen

Ever dream of running off and joining the circus? Well, that's not exactly what happened for the main character of this book, but that's where Jacob found himself. I got this book for free from Military One Source (check out the free books they have for military families in the library section) because I had heard the name several times, but never really knew what it was about. Then I found out that they're making a movie of it, as they have done with  many of the books I have read lately, so naturally I need to read the book before it comes out. I love that Reese Witherspoon is going to play Marlena, but not so happy that Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame is playing Jacob. I'm not a fan of Twilight and don't really see the appeal of this Pattinson guy, especially as a creepy, pale, obsessive vampire. Maybe he will be more attractive in this role...

It's too bad I read this book over about a month and a half span of time (husband was home so I didn't read much). I would not have had such a wonderful distraction I would have burned through this book much faster. It was a love story full of betrayal and violence, and an interesting look into the train traveling circus' of back in the day. I'm not really sure what else to say about it because it's kind of just a crazy intense string of events, but you should check out the book or the movie when it comes out. I'm curious to see if they leave things out in the movie.

Emotions

I'm stuck in that awful unbalanced emotional state where I change from minute to minute. I'm doing ok, it's not much longer and I can do this... This sucks, I hate my life right now... I need to be with people I love because they make me feel better... I want to be alone because I feel depressed... I'm excited about [insert upcoming event here] and that will make this half easier... I don't care about anything and just want it to be August...

Sure, I haven't been breaking down in tears as much as when he left the first time, but I feel a whole lot of emotions each day that I can't seem to control. I think this happened before too though, I remember having a week-full of rage, thankfully it hasn't gotten to that point yet, it's more a numb/apathetic feeling lately. I've been very unmotivated and kind of depressed. It's easy to put on a happy face for little bits of time, but even if I am in a good mood, there are still layers of hurt underneath. There's really no way of knowing how you will react emotionally to being separated during a deployment. I don't want to feel this way or seem so hopeless. You can try to prepare yourself, try to keep busy, etc. but there's really no telling how you will feel day to day or minute to minute. Deployments + female hormones = volatile conditions.

I don't need advice or suggestions on how to feel better. I just simply need prayer and encouragement. So I'm listening to some Hillsong in hopes of encouraging my soul, it helps a little. I love this song, thought I would share.

I confess my hope

In the light of Your salvation

Where I lose myself

I will find You're all I need

Sing my soul

Of the Saviour's love

Sing my soul

Unto God alone

I will meet You here

In the life we call surrender

Let the world I know

Be the glory of Your grace

You alone are God

You alone are God

We declare the glory of Your name

Reign in all the earth

Reign in all the earth Jesus

Hopefully as time passes it will get easier as it did the first half. Each day that passes is one day closer to us being together and one less day of being apart. If I keep telling my brain to be positive, maybe it will be. I have been having a hard time going to sleep at night though, and I didn't hear from my Valentine yesterday :(

Back to Reality

My hubby was home for his mid-tour leave in January and it was so wonderful to spend time with him. I'm thankful that we're able to happily maintain our relationship despite the distance and circumstances, but it is a million times better to physically be in the same place. I took off of work while he was home so that we could spend every second together. We did a lot with family, celebrated his birthday, went to a spa and had a night downtown in a nice hotel, but mostly we just spent time at home relaxing. It was nice to just do normal/boring things like watch tv and do dishes together. Things we don't typically get to do together that I'm sure many couples take for granted. I love that we can appreciate the little things.

Sending him off at the airport was the dreaded moment, and I cried a lot. A nice man offered him to trade seats for first class which was really nice, but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier. I cried on my way home and climbed into bed and watched 4 hours of the Bachelor that I missed to distract me from being sad. With the exception of my mopiness that day, I think I've handled him leaving again better than I thought I would. Partly because I felt like the 15 days didn't go as fast as I thought they would, it seemed like a good amount of time together. It was also easier saying goodbye at the airport where his mom and I were the only people crying and I was not surrounded by other wives and children crying out for their daddies (talk about heart breaking).

So I'm back to being lonely, and oh man was it hard to go back to work after 3 weeks off. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things and find motivation to get things done. I need to push through and try to focus on exciting things coming up that I can look forward to. My best friend's baby will be here in a few weeks, she is 33 weeks today. I just booked a cruise with my brother for April. And then before I know it it will be the summer and I'll be moving to Texas!

I'm sure there will still be lots of ups and downs for me emotionally these last 6 months of the deployment, but I feel like this half will be easier. With that being said, I still need lots of prayer for patience and strength, and for my husband's safety. I appreciate all the love and support people have been giving me and I will do my best to focus on the here and now and make the best of the time I have in MN with my family and friends.

Delayed

R&R is finally here...or not quite yet. I'm still waiting. I'm realizing that I'm not as patient a person as I thought I was! It's one thing to wait for a date that you know and can count down to, and it's a whole other beast to wait for something you have no idea when it will happen, or how. I need to learn how to not have expectations, and just accept things as they come. I'm just so excited to see my husband after 5 months! He is on his way, but the weather out East is not making it easy for him to get home. Non-functioning airports are not good for trying to get home from overseas. On the bright side (because I force myself to find it), he is getting a longer leave because of the extra travel days which is good rest for his tired body, and the longer it takes him to get here, the less days there will be left after he leaves! I've waited 5 months, what's a few more days right? Ugh...So I have been having a nice anxiety filled week so far, running errands and cleaning, trying to keep busy. He will be here soon :)

Book Blog: The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

This was another book that I just pulled off the shelf not knowing what it was about. I had heard the name many times, seen it on booklists for years, but never knew anything about it. It was a little hard to get into right away because it was like reading a fairy tale bible story, but it actually turned about to be another spiritual read for me. A boy goes on a journey to find a hidden treasure and along the way he meets people that help him learn valuable lessons about faith, life, and love. I think the appeal of this book is that the lessons can be pretty universal depending on your religious views, probably why the book has been translated into 56 languages. The ones that stuck out to me are that you should never give up on your dreams, true love lasts despite time and distance, you should live life one day at a time and not worry about the future, you should constantly be seeking and living God's Will for your life, and that God can be found in everyone who believes in Him. I recommend reading it, it's an interesting story and not like the typical fiction that I normally read, and it's full of great reminders about the gift of life.

Book Blog: God Strong: The Military Wife's Spiritual Survival Guide - Sara Horn

I had heard good things about this book and my mom found it for me at a book sale. I think this book has actually helped change my life. Every military wife should read this book. I am new to military life, but we all go through similar struggles, things that other people don't always understand. The challenges we face may seem impossible and sometimes we feel like we can't do it, we can't live this way, but we do it because we love the amazing men in our lives and we want to support them in serving our country and helping others.

I have been praying a lot lately for patience and peace with the decisions my husband and I make, and peace with what comes our way in the future. This book has been a great addition to the prayer and attempt to really give my heart to God, letting go of my worries and trusting that my life will go according to HIS plan. It is always helpful to hear stories from other wives about the strength that they find in God that allows them to be a strong military wife, a strong woman. And it's even better to be reminded of God's promises - that he is always with us, that he has a plan for our lives that may be unknown to us. The titles of the chapters lay out these promises well:

My Strength Comes from God
Fear Blocks My Focus
I Am Not Alone
Superwomen Get Grace Too
God Is in Control
God Knows My Hurts
I Can Have Joy Despite My Circumstances
Worship Lessens My Worries
I Find My Hope In Christ

So often we feel like we know these things, but we don't actually trust in them. No matter what kind of life we find ourselves in, no matter what kind of struggles we go through, God is always there and we can find joy in any situation because of that. My whole outlook on military life has taken a turn for the better. While I still don't like the thought of deployments or being away from my family, I know that I will be ok. I'm trusting that if that's the way our lives go, it's because God has a bigger plan for us. My husband is very passionate about serving his country and helping people, and although military life is not the life I would have chosen for myself, I am blessed to have such a giving and loving husband who enjoys serving others and I am so grateful to have him in my life. I need to focus on the blessings I have been given and not give in to the fear and worry. I will continue to pray for God to strengthen me into a supportive wife, a faithful servant, a woman who is God Strong. With all the inconsistency and uncertainty that comes with military life, we always have one constant.

A Whole New Year

Thank goodness this year is finally over. So much happened this year, and it has definitely been a stressful and emotional ride. Work has been busy and a seemingly impossible deadline for an office remodel, plus planning a party that was to take place New Year's Eve in said office added a giant dollop of stress on top. BUT we pulled it off (mostly), and actually the one thing that was not done turned out to be a positive. We were supposed to have glass walls put in to separate the reception area and the offices/meeting rooms. They were not able to go in on time, but it was actually nice because it was open and roomy for the party and it was like a dollhouse because you could see into the rooms, and use the tables.

So after about 4 very short and busy weeks of construction, the ceiling collapsing, painting, stripping paint of of brick, new hardwood and carpet, installing electrical and light fixtures, moving around furniture, and building cubicles, we totally transformed the space. I don't have any before pictures, and we wish we would have taken progress pictures but we didn't have extra time or energy for that sort of thing. I can tell you though that it looks a million times better. It used to be dark and dingy with black carpet and black paint on the brick. And the prior tennant was a questionable "massage parlor" so that made it feel extra shady.

We got lucky with the furniture. About two weeks ago I had a mild panic attach thinking about how all this needed to get done, and THEN we needed to furnish the space. So I went on a used furniture hunt and hit the jackpot. $60 round tables, a desk that matched our current desks perfectly, nice looking side chairs that were in good shape, cubicles that we had actually looked at previously at another location and they magically found me again (the exact ones we wanted to buy a month ago but someone bought them out from under us), and a nice new desk chair for me. On another trip there to pick up some of this stuff I found the perfect conference room table in the back room of the furniture place, and we got a set of chairs to go with it. We got the reception love seat and chairs at IKEA and they are actually pretty comfortable for IKEA furniture.

So the furniture made me feel better, but there was also the cleaning and party prep that needed to get done. The contractors were finishing up the day before the party, there was still stuff all over the place and things like plate covers on outlets still needed to be put on. So we were down to the wire getting the place picked up, and it needed a deep clean real bad. The bathroom was probably the grossest bathroom I have ever cleaned, and I made that thing sparkle! I also scrubbed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees picking paint off with my fingernails, cleaned the fridge that had mold and other surprises in it, cleaned out all of the cupboards and drawers, washed all the windows, vacuumed both offices, and cleaned the other kitchen floor. Man that was a long day.

Here are some pictures of the new space:

 Sparkly clean bathroom complete with new shower curtain (yes we have a shower in our office)

 Clean kitchen getting set up for the party

 Reception area - love the exposed brick and the light fixture

 This will be my boss' office once the glass walls go in

The "dollhouse" view of the meeting rooms.

Yesterday morning we were busy with final clean-up and party prep. I had to go pick up the food and luckily that was right before the freezing rain started. As much as this party stressed me out and I didn't really want to be there for 6 hours making it another 12 hour day, it was a success. We had a pretty good turn out, people seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the bosses were pleased with the outcome of all of it. It feels SO good to have it all done, or at least mostly done. Hopefully next week I'll be moving into my new office with a window again. I have only a 4 day workweek left and then I have time off to be with my husband while he is home! 2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it.