Waiting (not so) Patiently...Again

This deployment is finally almost over! This has definitely been a long and difficult year. I have had my share of stress and tears. I did not enjoy it, but I know it has made me a stronger person. It has strengthened my faith, given me time to spend with my family and see the birth of my best friend's first child, and has solidified even more my feelings for my husband. Our relationship began based on communication, and that has really helped us get through this year apart. Even being thousands of miles apart, I still love him more each day and am so thankful for having him in my life. I cannot tell you how happy I am that he is coming home safe (just one minor injury from last fall), and that we can finally start our life together as a married couple.

However, I think I have become a little spoiled having this whole house to myself and no responsibility. I'll have to get used to only sleeping on half of the bed, doing dishes more often than every 3-4 days, doing stinky boy laundry, and watching things other than HGTV and Bravo all day long. Since we have never lived together, it will be an adjustment for sure. But I'm still looking forward to all the normal, everyday things that come along - good or bad.

Most of all, I can't wait to kiss this face!!


Just a few more days... :)

My March Madness

I could care less about basketball, but I've had a pretty mad March - both in the crazy and the angry sense. Lots of ups and downs and lots of emotions going on. This has been a tough month. It's felt like it's gone on forever and there is still one more day. However, not all was bad so I should focus on those good things that happened this month. Here are some tidbits:

• Positive: Army Wives is back! It feels like so long between seasons and I'm happy to have new episodes on. However, the shows brings out a lot of emotions during this deployment.
• Negative: I'm afraid potholes are going to eat my car alive. MN can't decide if it wants to be winter or spring and the roads are not liking it. Seems that road crews are doing pretty well staying on top of patching this year though.
• Positive:  My husband got better internet access finally so I get to talk to him online most days now. Hopefully we'll get to use Skype one of these days since I have not seen his face or heard his voice since January. He also got his promotable status which means he can be promoted to Sergeant soon.
• Negative/Positive: I have been struggling with work more and more. Having so  much responsibility in a fast-paced growing company is stressful for me on top of everything else going on in my life. I have had a lot of moody and angry days and I hate feeling that way. I have been having anxiety issues often and knowing that I am leaving and needed to find a good replacement and train them was a lot of pressure on top of a lot of regular stress. Luckily, we hired someone last week and she is great. Definitely an answered prayer. I'll be done with work after next week, then on a cruise, and then hopefully enjoying some less anxious time at home before moving away.
• Positive: Baby Lucy was born on March 11! I can't believe my best friend/"wife" is a mom now. I was blessed to be there for Lucy's birth. Although I am terrified of the birthing process, it was a much more positive experience than I expected. Megan was tough and once the drugs kicked in it was all smiles and laughs and excitement. The baby came over two weeks early but was healthy and beautiful. Now we have a sweet little bundle of joy in our apartment. I have not heard a peep out of her during the nights so so far so good. She has a very sweet disposition and even lets mommy and daddy get some sleep at night.

(Photos by Devotion Photography)

Emotions

I'm stuck in that awful unbalanced emotional state where I change from minute to minute. I'm doing ok, it's not much longer and I can do this... This sucks, I hate my life right now... I need to be with people I love because they make me feel better... I want to be alone because I feel depressed... I'm excited about [insert upcoming event here] and that will make this half easier... I don't care about anything and just want it to be August...

Sure, I haven't been breaking down in tears as much as when he left the first time, but I feel a whole lot of emotions each day that I can't seem to control. I think this happened before too though, I remember having a week-full of rage, thankfully it hasn't gotten to that point yet, it's more a numb/apathetic feeling lately. I've been very unmotivated and kind of depressed. It's easy to put on a happy face for little bits of time, but even if I am in a good mood, there are still layers of hurt underneath. There's really no way of knowing how you will react emotionally to being separated during a deployment. I don't want to feel this way or seem so hopeless. You can try to prepare yourself, try to keep busy, etc. but there's really no telling how you will feel day to day or minute to minute. Deployments + female hormones = volatile conditions.

I don't need advice or suggestions on how to feel better. I just simply need prayer and encouragement. So I'm listening to some Hillsong in hopes of encouraging my soul, it helps a little. I love this song, thought I would share.

I confess my hope

In the light of Your salvation

Where I lose myself

I will find You're all I need

Sing my soul

Of the Saviour's love

Sing my soul

Unto God alone

I will meet You here

In the life we call surrender

Let the world I know

Be the glory of Your grace

You alone are God

You alone are God

We declare the glory of Your name

Reign in all the earth

Reign in all the earth Jesus

Hopefully as time passes it will get easier as it did the first half. Each day that passes is one day closer to us being together and one less day of being apart. If I keep telling my brain to be positive, maybe it will be. I have been having a hard time going to sleep at night though, and I didn't hear from my Valentine yesterday :(

Back to Reality

My hubby was home for his mid-tour leave in January and it was so wonderful to spend time with him. I'm thankful that we're able to happily maintain our relationship despite the distance and circumstances, but it is a million times better to physically be in the same place. I took off of work while he was home so that we could spend every second together. We did a lot with family, celebrated his birthday, went to a spa and had a night downtown in a nice hotel, but mostly we just spent time at home relaxing. It was nice to just do normal/boring things like watch tv and do dishes together. Things we don't typically get to do together that I'm sure many couples take for granted. I love that we can appreciate the little things.

Sending him off at the airport was the dreaded moment, and I cried a lot. A nice man offered him to trade seats for first class which was really nice, but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier. I cried on my way home and climbed into bed and watched 4 hours of the Bachelor that I missed to distract me from being sad. With the exception of my mopiness that day, I think I've handled him leaving again better than I thought I would. Partly because I felt like the 15 days didn't go as fast as I thought they would, it seemed like a good amount of time together. It was also easier saying goodbye at the airport where his mom and I were the only people crying and I was not surrounded by other wives and children crying out for their daddies (talk about heart breaking).

So I'm back to being lonely, and oh man was it hard to go back to work after 3 weeks off. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things and find motivation to get things done. I need to push through and try to focus on exciting things coming up that I can look forward to. My best friend's baby will be here in a few weeks, she is 33 weeks today. I just booked a cruise with my brother for April. And then before I know it it will be the summer and I'll be moving to Texas!

I'm sure there will still be lots of ups and downs for me emotionally these last 6 months of the deployment, but I feel like this half will be easier. With that being said, I still need lots of prayer for patience and strength, and for my husband's safety. I appreciate all the love and support people have been giving me and I will do my best to focus on the here and now and make the best of the time I have in MN with my family and friends.

Delayed

R&R is finally here...or not quite yet. I'm still waiting. I'm realizing that I'm not as patient a person as I thought I was! It's one thing to wait for a date that you know and can count down to, and it's a whole other beast to wait for something you have no idea when it will happen, or how. I need to learn how to not have expectations, and just accept things as they come. I'm just so excited to see my husband after 5 months! He is on his way, but the weather out East is not making it easy for him to get home. Non-functioning airports are not good for trying to get home from overseas. On the bright side (because I force myself to find it), he is getting a longer leave because of the extra travel days which is good rest for his tired body, and the longer it takes him to get here, the less days there will be left after he leaves! I've waited 5 months, what's a few more days right? Ugh...So I have been having a nice anxiety filled week so far, running errands and cleaning, trying to keep busy. He will be here soon :)

Thirds

At tai chi tonight we got to the point that is about a third of the way through the form that we are learning. I like that tai chi is easy and relaxing, yet it is mentally engaging because it's also a good memory exercise. You have to remember which foot your weight is in, where and when your arms and legs are supposed to move, which move comes next. It's good for you, and it's effortless really. If only it were as easy to put one foot in front of the other and walk through life effortlessly.

I am also nearing the 1/3 mark for getting through this deployment. Yes, time seems to go fast, but there is still so much time to go. I have been going through a lot of ups and downs lately. Stress from work makes it unbearable some days, and it's hard to keep it together. Unfortunately, life isn't easy. I have had very blessed life thus far with very few struggles, very little pain and stress, but lately I feel like several large changes and obstacles have been placed in my path. My strength and faith are definitely being challenged by a long distance relationship and marriage and the decisions we need to make about our future with the Army. I know that I can't always just float through life and that the easy way isn't always the best way, but it's hard to take it all in. Giving up control and just trusting that God will lead me is so much harder than it sounds. I know that's what I need to do, and I know that I won't feel at peace about the decisions we make until I do.

Ok I guess it's winter now!

I haven't really had a whole lot going on this week, so I'll sum it up in one post. I better find some more exciting things to do so I can be a more active blogger! Here are some tidbits:

•  We hired another girl at work! I am no longer alone with all the guys. They are great, and I enjoy working with them, but sometimes it gets to feel a little lonely being the only female. Sometimes girls can be too much drama, but it's nice to have someone who will understand my frequent emotional changes :) Deployment kind of causes an extra dose of unpredictable emotions every day.
• Wednesday was a bad day. Work was stressful, I was tired and cranky, and then to top it off I finally got to talk to my husband after a week and the internet on his side was not working, so we got a total of 3 minutes of conversation in. I just felt like crying the rest of the day.
• Thursday was a better day. I got to talk to him for a good while with the webcam and he told me he found out his dates for R&R! Now I have a real date to count down to and it's not too far away! The other great news from Thursday is that my best friend/roommates found out the sex of their baby and it's a girl! I was hoping for a girl, so I'm excited!
• Friday was a nice change of pace. Work was quiet and I got to talk to hubby again for a long time and was able to talk some stuff through with him that had been stewing in my head. It's hard being so far apart because I want to talk to him and tell him things and work through everyday stressers together, but we usually don't get to. So when we have at least an hour long chunk of time to talk it's really great to actually be able to feel like we can connect on a married-couple level. You people that actually get to be with your spouse all the time - don't ever take their daily company for granted!!
• Last night we got a mega snowstorm. I woke up to an instant change from fall to winter with a blanket of snow on the ground. Luckily I had nowhere to go today so I stayed away from the roads as advised by my brother (took him a half hour to go 4 miles) and my roommate (who got stuck in the snow twice this morning). Therefore, I am still in my pjs at 8:30pm and had a wonderfully relaxing day catching up on tv shows, cleaning, talking to my man, and working on a mosaic project. Today marks 6 months of marriage which is also something to be happy about!

Sometimes life is hard

Today is the last day of October! Two more months and then January is here. I finally got to see my husband's face today on a webcam after 12 weeks. It was so good to see him, even if I couldn't hear his voice. We have had a stressful week trying to figure out our future. He has been considering re-enlisting so that he could get more experience for the career path he wants to take. I want absolutely nothing to do with re-enlistment and I don't want another deployment, so really there's nothing in it for me (besides free rent and medical care) and I would be giving up everything I have here - my job, my family, my friends. So we have been trying to come up with some way we can compromise, but it's not working out so far.

It seems like it is just black and white, one way or the other. One of us would have to give up a lot for the other person. I just am really reluctant to give up several more years of our life to the army when I know that another deployment and me being away from home is inevitable. I appreciate what they do, and I'm proud of my husband for his commitment and sacrifice, it's just not what I pictured for my life. I never would have seen myself as an army wife, but somehow I happened to fall in love with and marry a soldier. And I was under the impression that he would do his time and get out because that's what he told me from the start. If I would have known that he would want to stay in, I would have had to change my expectations and be ok with it before we got married. This was not part of the plan I thought we had. I would be more willing to move if he found his dream job somewhere other than MN. Still though, I really just want to be here. This is home. Our families are here, I love this place and feel like the only thing missing is him.

It's not easy to discuss this serious of decisions while he is on the other side of the world and we have not even had a chance to start our lives together. When all of our plans have already changed and I'm missing him so much because of the Army - not so excited about the thought of 4 more years. It's such a huge decision to make even if we were together. So this has been stressing both of us out a lot lately. Today we are leaning towards no because it would mean a commitment of 4 more years, but I'm sure this isn't the end. Please pray that we can come to an agreement that we can both be happy with, and that things will work out for his career and my sanity either way.